Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
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I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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