dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
