i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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