You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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