Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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