i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
