I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
