She is in my trunk
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
