My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
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