yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
