As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
