I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I miss vodka workout Fridays
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
