I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
