I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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