Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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