I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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