The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
