me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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