i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
