sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
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I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
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the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.