Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
