After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
