So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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