he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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