so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
