I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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