I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
