I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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