I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Randomize
