We named our party play list daddy issues
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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