i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
organizing the empties. That sober.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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