Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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