This dress was meant to end up on your floor
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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