I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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