hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
