Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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