I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
