Jerry, you need to find god
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
