i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
