I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
