I think I won the penis lottery.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
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