I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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