Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
my liver is dry heaving
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
