tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
