so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
