If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
