Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
