I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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