Ketchup is God's man juice
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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