You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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