Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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