first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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