That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
