Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
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