i barfeds in our rink
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
