The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
