Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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