you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
