theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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