i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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