This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Actions speak louder than pants.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
