grandma shit on top of the toilet
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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