there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
