If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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