im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Randomize
