he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
