Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
