Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
