dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
