Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
