There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
