the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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